I was a bully, too.
Because she doesn't deserve me outing her in a public forum, I won't say the name of the girl I bullied, but shall refer to her as T.
In 5th grade, my best friend was Jackie Bottensek. Best friend is kind of a stretch, since I was merely the foil to her goodlookingness, the girl she kept around because it made her look even prettier standing next to me...with her long dark hair and olive skin and spaghetti-strap figure. She was self-concious about her crooked teeth, but I thought they only made her prettier somehow. Anyway, she ended up not being much of a friend since she agreed to call up the boy I liked and ask him out for me, only for that same boy to call me up five minutes later and tell me the two of them were now an item. Ah, good times. Anyway, one day, Jackie and I were on the playground (before she unfriended me for being a poor-ass bitch whose parents bought all of her clothes at Goodwill) when she started calling a girl a year younger than us, "House." Presumably because this girl was fat. Except that T. wasn't fat. She maybe had a little baby fat to her, but certainly not obese, not "house-like," and she was also damn cute. Jackie turned to me and said, "She's such a bitch. She lives next to me, and she's always starting shit because I know her brother." I shrugged, believed her, and joined in on calling T. "House." T. was different from me, because she sassed back. She'd call us "bitches" (which we were for pulling this shit) and flip us off and stick her tongue out. I didn't really sass my bullies. For that she has my respect. Anyway, this went on for awhile, before I was called down to the principal's office one day. Jackie was already there, giving me a dark look as I went into his office. He laid into me, telling me that T.'s mother had called the school because she was crying constantly, refusing to come to school sometimes, and feeling absolutely miserable. I had no idea. None. In fact, I almost thought it was some kind of joke or game all of us were in on--like, "Okay, we call you "House" and you call us "Bitches" and then we go our merry ways." But that wasn't the case at all. In fact, I was taking part in ruining this girl's grade school experience. I was hindering her ability to come to school, feel safe, and LEARN. I was making her feel worthless...in the same ways that all those people were making me feel worthless. I don't know what this means. That kids are stupid assholes? That everyone has evil in them? That I deserved everything I got? I'm never going to be okay with this, I know. I can only hope that her sassy mouth was indicative of a stronger character than I possess--and that she no longer hurts. I am sorry.
3 comments:
You could probably figure out how to tell her that you're sorry. I'd bet she's on Facebook, and I'd bet you could send her this post in a message. It won't erase the damage, but it might help -- her, and you.
I like these two posts very much.
Thank you, Erica. :-)
I did try to find her on facebook, Sig, I may have, but I'm not sure if it's her or not. But part of me is concerned that it will make her feel worse or obligated to respond to me when she really doesn't want to. I don't know. I'm thinking about it. I do know, however, that back when I was still an ignorant bitch, I saw her at the Mead School public swimming pool. I strutted up to the diving board, somehow CERTAIN that I would execute an elegant swan dive this time, and I think she saw my absolutely monstrous, and extremely painful (like...tears leaping into my eyes painful) belly flop. So she'll always have Paris...or the pool...as it were...
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